Shameless Self Promotion ;-) ™ © ℠ ®

Bole to aaj apun ke ek net pal ka B’day hai.
Happy B’day Mangesh…
I will keep bugging you as usual.
May this year u get ur _
May this year u clear all ur exams and break all the world records
May this year U upgrade UR PC
May this year I learn some marathi from you
May you find all the things you wish…
Happy B’day

“Hello Sir…”
“Oh hi, how are you?”, the person on other side didnt let me intoduce myself. I am a big star. No moron. This is called caller identification service. You call some one cell phone and your number is displayed. Sad. The appointment is fixed with Mr. D. Time 12:30. Around 12:25 I am inront of Mr. D’s office. His office is locked.
Anyway I can wait for 5 minutes. Lets walk in the gallery. 10 steps forward and 10 steps back. This will help me in loosing weight. I am gaining weight. OK lets start loosing wieght.
One step.
Two setp.
Three step.
When the hell time will turn 12:26 to 12:30.
Anyway, the time can not stop. It may increase the speed of time when your enjoying and when you are waiting for some one it may halt.
12:26:30
12:26:31
12:26:32
Some time watching a digital clock can be very entertaining. It can be such a fun if you are in a gallery where you are the only one. No one else but you.
But all good things come to an end.
Its 12:27:45.
What now?
Look at name plates. Read all the name pates. With a reading speed more than my typing speed this was just 2 minutes job.
Hurray!!!
12:30 IST.
But I was misstaken.
IST stands for Indian Stretchable time.
And doing same 10 step walk I spend another 5 minutes cursing all the Indians who dont care for time. But then suddenly time changed. No no, not to 12:36 but to happy times. I see a lady entering the gallery. Beautiful. Young. Height, one inch less than mine. Hairstyle…umm till date I am not able to classify hairstyle but it was a good hairstyle. Yellow Punjabi suite. She looks wow. She is coming toward me.
YES, toward me.
Time has changed.
How to impress a lady?
The one who finds the answer will get all the Nobels, as this skill is both a science and art. Persons like me who can just hit keyboard know nothing. So better pretend you never saw her and I keep my 10 step walk program continue. She passed me. I had scanned her but pretended that I never saw her. I was at the end of th gallery hence I was sure she can not ago anywhere but wait like me as all the cabins were locked.
HIP HIP HURRAY!!
And the same happend. I turned back and saw her standing infront of a cabin. There she was standing. Pretty Lady. Do I need to sing Pretty Lady to impress her? Then suddenly I realised she looked at me. I gave a careless look. I am not looking at you lady. I am not like those morons who are always looking at women. And after finishing my 10 step I again turn back. I fooled her. I did see her. She has got a cellphone. Nokia 2200. Good. I will ask her to shift to Airtel, then I will subscribe to soem unlimited calling plan and will talk with her. What else I can do? Thinking this I finish my 1oth step and turn back and see her standing midway of my 10 step walk route.
Look am a magnet. This woman has been attracted by my persona. She is impressed by me. I can surely ask her for a date.
But still I pretend I don’t care and take 3 steps and turn back. Let her break the ice. Why always a man? Let her talk to me. If I will get a date she will also get a date with a great man like me. Now my greatness has not been recognised by this world is an another issue. Why do women want men to beg on their knees? Why? Mystery.
In my life I am sure at a point of time I will be able to solve any mathematical equation, but I will not still be able to tell what a woman is.
This time I took more time to finish my remaining 3 steps. And when I turn back she is not there. She has again gone to that cabin. 15 steps away from me. Sad. What if I keep walking and she is not able to start a conversation and we both miss the date? No no. Let me initiate.
And the lady is looking at me.
LOOKING AT ME.
…and smiling.
Killer smile.
No its confusing. Is she really looking at me or looking at my side. I again pretend I never saw her smile. I keep reactions inside my brain and take my steps. And as soon as I am reaching my 7th step the lady starts walking towards me.
This is it. She wants to talk with me. I will impress her. Will take her to Sukhna Lake. The most appropriate place for some one like me. No shops. No expensive cafe. No expensive restraunt. Total expense not more than 100 bucks including the fuel expenses. And above all I like sukhna lake. She looks pretty in suite but she will look same good in any dress.
In all these thoughts I didn’t notice I was just 2 steps away from her and she was really smiling. I think its time to stop pretending. Not good. Its not courtsey. Must reply a smile by a smile. This beahviour of mine will not get me any date.
And as soon as I decide to spread a smile I hear voice from back side.
“Hello Mrs. Khanna, sorry I am late.”
And Mrs. Khanna. Yes, she is Mrs, not Miss. She is talking with a doctor and they both walk out of gallery.
Close encounter of the third kind. Good, I kept my thoughts within myself.

PS: This was in draft mode for long and at last its out. Simply a fiction and again inspired by a fact. I was waiting for some one and saw one smart lady. Rest all is spicy as usual. As usual lot of grammatical errors and typos are present. Not satisfied. Actually I dont want to write good stuff. I dont want to win Nobel prize every year.

One of my collegue asked me. Infact he was confirming.
“23rd is holiday.”
I looked at him with a question mark on my face.
“Why”
“23rd is a Governmentt Holiday.”
“So…?”
My reactions confirmed that there was no chance of holiday.
“No, I was just telling.”
“Do you know why 23rd is a govt holiday?”
“No, actually my dad told me that 23rd is his holiday…”
The guy had no answer.
But I have.
23rd is a black day in Indian history. We lost Bhagat Singh.
For my friends less informed, the Bhagat Singh is same guy whome Mr. MK Gandhi could have saved. Who could have changed the face of India. The guy suffered same fate as other opposer of MK Gandhi suffered. Nodbody remembers them. Very few care about Bhagat Singh and those who care just came to know about Bhagat Singh after watching Ajay Devgun as Bhagat Singh or more recently after watching Rang De Basanti.
There is one problem with Indians. We don’t value our heros. We need a holiday associated with their death or birthday. If no holiday we dont remeber them. I hav been very much inspired by Bhagat Singh and his philospohy. My athiesm is due to some of his thoughts. 23rd is not the day of just remebering and reading the biography of Bhagat Singh but its the day to sit back and think what have we done to the country for which Bhagat Singh gave his life.
Although I can not compare myself with Bhagat Singh but I am serving my motherland. I am not littering my city. Paying taxes, even when I know the tax I pay will be used to buy laptops for our politicians who don’t know what a laptop is. I prefer buying Indian products. Above all, even after offer for free immgration consultation, I still dont want to apply for any work visa.
Putting India’s point and telling people that Indians are not cheap labor. They cost less and give quality work.
This is an incomplete post…
Why?

You order a plate of fried rice and the waiter give u fork and knife, along with spoon. Now spoon is ok. But knife and fork???
I am a convert. There was a time I was crazy about Chinese. Then Pizza. But at the end am again back to North Indian stuff. Same dal roti and Tanduri stuff. I wont order any other dish in restaurants as I know I will never find authentic stuff. Chinese noodles are normally boiled and fried noodles. Just with added dash of Soya sauce. Then dumplings, more commonly known as momos, they suck. Crap. Then come to dosas. Order any dosa. No change. Same story is with Uthapam. And sambar. All south Indian food joints serve sambhar as it is some kind of substitute for water. No offend to any Mallu, Telugu or Tamil frend but am really amazed to see sambhar with everything. I still don’t know is sambhar taken separately or is it eaten along with the main item, say uthapam or dosa. The story is far worse with Punjabi stuff. The Dal is same. Order any kind of stuff that comes with gravy, gravy is same. Still I see lot of rush in Sector 35 in Chandigarh.
I have sampled many eating joints and I am still searching for a joint that serves authentic regional food.
I have learned a super duper hit formula for cooking any thing that needs gravy. Its bit painstaking job but the result is really delicious. So let’s get set and go.
Ingredients for this wonderful gravy
Onions, finely sliced onions. Don’t use mixer. Slice them. Finely.
4-5 cloves. Laung.
3-4 an inch-long Cinnamon sticks. Dalchini.
Cumin seeds. Jeera. Half spoon will do.
Salt according to taste.
Turmeric Powder. Haldi.
Green Chillies. Finely sliced. Hari Mirch.
Tomatoes. Again Finely sliced. Tamatar
Ginger and Garlic too. Adrak and Lehsun.
Black Pepper seeds. Kali mirch.
Cardamom pods. Adi Ilaichi.
Coriander. Half spoon. Sukha Dhania
Red chilli flakes. Lal Mirch.
Curry leaves. Tej pattar.
I don’t like using powdered spices. Spices loose their aroma while grinding. So to fill the kitchen with aroma I prefer using whole spices instead of grinded or powdered.
Oil. Now this is an issue. Mustard oil tastes good and is good for health also. But normally it’s hard to find good stuff. Nearly all the stuff is refined and the oil looses the aroma.
Heat sufficient oil in pan that can cover the onions you have. Fry onions in this oil till they turn golden brown. All this is to be done on mild flame. Mild flame and think base of cooking pan do wonders. Now, when the onions are brown enough add cumin seeds, cloves and cinnamon sticks. Keep frying. This is the toughest part and this decides what will be the result. Add green chilies now. Keep stirring the paste in pan. Otherwise paste will stick to pan and you will end up cooking charcoal. Keep adding a spoon of water. This will prevent the paste from sticking to base of pan. What about ginger and garlic paste? Add this too. One after another keep adding the spices and add turmeric at the end. Now keep moving a spoon in pan after regular interval so that paste is not sticking to pan. This is the climax. Add sliced tomatoes. In fact tomatoes are optional. But if you add tomatoes you need to keep stirring so that the tomatoes juice is properly mixed up with the paste. Keep stirring occasionally. After 5-10 minutes of cooking a very aromatic paste will be ready.

UMMMMMM!!!

Now this is the base for

a) Chicken/Paneer dishes.
Add marinated chicken/Paneer to this paste add some water and keep stirring. Cook for 15 minutes in this paste. Masala Chicken/Paneer ready.

b) Dum aloo.
This is not the right way to cook dum aloo. Add marinated potatoes in the paste. Fry for a while. Add skimmed curd and cook for a while.

c) Rajmah/Kale Channe
Use pressure cooker to make the paste. Add Rajmah/Kaale Channe to this paste. Add enough water. Wait for 4-5 whistles. Rajmah/Kaale Channe must be soaked for at least 12 hours.

d) Mutton
Use pressure cooker to make the paste. Add marinated mutton to this paste. Add sufficient water. Wait for 2-3 whistles. Not a proper way to cook mutton but works for me.

To make things tastier cook jeera rice along with any of this dish. Jeera rice is so simple to cook. We need soaked rice. A spoon of Jeera or cumin seeds. One tablespoon oil. Not mustard oil. Heat oil in pan. Add cumin seeds. As soon as you see the seeds turning into black add soaked rice to pan. Mix the rice and cumin seeds properly. Cook as you simply cook he rice. Simple dish but the aroma is wow.

Enough of cooking. I must go and have my dinner.

I am unique like every one else.
I can make my presence felt immediately. I have a unique face. The very first look makes sure that no one forgets me. And if a conversation is started the other side will end up worshipping me.

OK, I agree that last line is exaggeration. But still I can convince every one that I am really unique and no on like me exist in this galaxy. (Where are you all the beautiful girls? Am still single.)

Many people said, man you are full of energy and confidence. But I have been over confident too.

During first year of my diploma, my teachers were able to notice me. I was leading group experiments. Our English teacher decided to change the way were studying. He wanted to improve our personality.

So one good day when we were rushing to our class rooms.

Me: Crap. This guy, (our teacher) is full of crap.

My pals Bhupi and Devinder were not interested in my thoughts and didn’t even notice what I was saying. The dames of our class were also coming out of girl’s hostel. Now it is normal for guys to forget everything and drool over beautiful girls.

One girl: Hi KC.
Me: Hi, how are you.

The girl was one of the studious book worm kind of, what do you call those people who know nothing except course books.

The girl: You know sir has asked me to prepare a lecture. I don’t know what to do.
Me: You know this guy is crap.
The girl: No, he is not
WOW. I found some one who is listening to me. Bug her.
Me: Amita, you are mistaken. Do you know all he is doing is out of syllabus? He is just forcing us to sit in class room.
Amit: No KC, don’t you know he is also going to ask you to prepare a lecture
Me: What???
Amita: Yes KC, he has asked Preet also. You were not in class but he was looking for you.

Now this was enough to worry me. I rushed to class and occupied the 2^nd seat. Here comes Mr. Crap, our English teacher. And wow, he discovered me in the class. I could see his EUREKA smile when he saw me sitting in 2^nd row.

Mr. Crap: Hey, where were you yesterday?
Me: good after noon sir. I was not well sir.
Mr. Crap: how are you now?
Me: all well sir.
Mr. Crap: good. I want you to prepare a lecture on a topic of our choice. You are supposed to read that lecture in front of class.
Me: (no emotions)
Mr. Crap: Good.

After the class ended, I had enough reason to criticize Mr. Crap. In the class of 60 students he only found 2 students and discovered me as good enough.

Bhupi: Look at Mr. Sharma. Only he can match Mr. Preet and Ms Amita. By the way man we are proud of you.
Devinder: Yes, after all we can tell folks at home that our pal is a book worm.

Both guys laugh. I crib. Anyway there is nothing like problem in my dictionary. So I sit and write a long speech and start pruning it. By the end of the day I have my stuff ready. I come out my room and decide to spy on Preet Singh’s idea. That guy is brainy. He is good at English too. His schooling is from a convent school.

I just enter his room without knocking at room. No one knocks at the door in hostels. You just barge in. WHAT?? The guys is standing in front of mirror and reading his lecture loudly.

Me: Hey what are you doing?
Preet: Practicing for tomorrow’s lecture.
Me: Man are you crazy?
Preet: No dear. This is the only way to practice for debates and lectures.
Me: This is crap. Anyway. I will let you do this.

I leave him. This guy is totally crap. He never shares his assignments. Never shared his notes. And anything else. He lacks confident. I tell myself and return to room just to see my pals reading my script.

Devinder: Man this is good. Are you practicing?
Me: Practicing?? Man I wrote this my self do I still need to practice?
Bhupi: Hero, you need to do rehearsal. Read this loudly for me.
Me: Hey cut this crap.

I give them a careless look.

Let it come and I will see it.
And next day I see Amita, reading a long paper.
I interrupt her, Hi
Amita: Hi KC. I am preparing for lecture.
Me: Kool down yaar. Nothing is going to happen
Amita: No no. I know nothing is going to happened but still I am practicing.
Me:???

What is wrong with this world? Where is the confidence? People lack confidence.

And the class begins.

Mr Crap: So today is our lecture day. Let’s begin with Amita.

Amita is sanding in front of class. She is reading her script easily. There is nothing big. Why the hell she was preparing for this 5 minutes job? And that book worm. Preet Singh with glasses on his eyes. Specy. He was reading his script loudly. And I don’t know when Preet Singh earned his share of claps and returned to his seat. Now suddenly every eye is searching for me.

Mr. Crap: Now last but not least. Kumar Chetan. Come on. Its your turn now.
Me: Mine???

Really it was my turn now.
My turn.
My turn.

Get up man. I tell myself. I stand up and leave my seat. Suddenly I realize that I have left my sack full of confidence at my seat. 50 pairs of eyes looking at me. I am in front of class. My back toward black board. Mr. Crap standing on my left side. I looked at my script. Suddenly I find that the scrip is written in French language. I can’t read it. I just swallow whatever was in my mouth. The screen is totally blank in front of my eyes. My mouth is sealed. I even can not move my lips. My tongue is stuck some where in my mouth.

Mr. Crap: Now start.
And at last me: Hello Friends, I can not read this script.

And I walk to my seat.